I promised myself that I would be real, no matter how vulnerable I felt. It’s not possible to live a full and beautiful life without feeling and experiencing it all. And I certainly can’t teach anyone how to live a beautiful and fulfilling life without being real and sharing it all. The good, the bad and the ugly.
So this is me being “Inspiring” according to my rules. I set the rules for my own life. You set the rules for yours.
So I will be brave enough to share this with you. I wrote it last night after a few hours of crying. I thought I had lost the plot but actually I hadn’t, I was just being real. I was just being me. And it was healing.
Tonight the tears came and it was like the flood gates opened. I just cried and cried. I didn’t know why I was so sad. There were lots of little reasons but none of them justified such huge devastating sorrow. My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my body. My head ached and my body wanted to shake but I stopped it. I was too scared to lose control while my family were home. They wouldn’t understand. They would worry. They wouldn’t know how to help me. I don’t even know how to help me. And worst of all, they would really think I had lost my mind once and for all. Maybe I have.
I feel so alone.
My family are very supportive and yet I still feel so alone. Why is it that when we need love and support the most, that we block it out? Perhaps we build barriers to stop the hurt but they stop the love at the same time. It makes no sense.
I feel so ridiculous. I am supposed to be so inspiring. I’m not supposed to feel like this. But wait a minute… That’s just my perception or rule that I’m not supposed to feel like this. Isn’t everything love? Even sorrow? Even confusion? And inspiration flows when we are being real. This is me being real and vulnerable and courageous.
What I know for sure is that I am completely exhausted.
I feel so sad but my intuition says I’m not depressed. I just need deep-rest.
And to cry. I feel like I’ve been holding it all in for too long. So tonight I cried. Not too much mind you. I still need to be in control. Why is that? I don’t know but I’m too exhausted to even think about it.
I don’t want to think anymore. I just want to feel. Maybe then my week long headache will go away. And now I need to sleep.
Tomorrow will be a different day.
PS – I woke up this morning feeling lighter and the crazy tension headache that I had for over a week is gone. I’m still little sad and confused but it feels so good to just be me. To be okay with not being okay. It’s liberating. Maybe this is another level of self-love.
Sometimes we just need to let go of control.
To let it all out…
To just be and feel…
To feel and not think…
After all, we are human beings not human thinkings.